Many people believe in God. And equally healthy is the number of people who vehemently deny His existence. But for all the debate about His existence, one thing remains certain. Everybody has asked God of something or the other atleast once. Oh, you may not call Him God, but I bet you've wondered to a higher power if something could be different. Well, I'm a firm believer in God, and I feel that no matter what your faith may be, there are many times that these requests get fulfilled, and many times when they go unnoticed. Let's take a look at some of the classics.
Nervous Urban X:
X: I've ben playing Super Ninja VI the whole night, and the exam's in two hours! I desperately need to pass. Also, I'd really, really, really like an iPad 2.
God: X, I gave you two hands, two legs, two eyes, two ears, two lungs and one each of everything else. Yeah, I ran out of spares. So do your own stuff on your own time. And iPad 2? I have a gazillion things to do, so I'm on the Xoom. Ask for a Xoom, and I shall giveth it thee.
X: Ok, Xoom then.
G: Buy it yourself.
X: But you just said...
G: No.
X: Please?
G: Get a Kindle, and stop calling.
Frantic Rural X:
X: God, my first born is a girl. I have to kill her. Will you get her five - star accommodations and middle - class Brahmin parents in the city next time?
G: Why, because she couldn't manage her gender? Because you'd actually have to do something menial like clean sewers rather than working in the field if you really wanted to earn for a change, and not whittle away every last penny you have on ratgut? Or is it because you'd prefer to have more unprotected sex and ruin the chances any future kid you might have as well?
X: Hmm ... maybe.
G: Ok, you go ahead and kill her. She didn't do anything wrong, so she'll be a big - shot next time. But you... you'll be a dung beetle eaten by a duck with swine flu when your turn comes.
X: But god!!!
G: [Click]
Desperate Xs:
X Good: I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I didn't do anything bad, but I still got cancer anyway. Can you please heal me?
X Bad: I did all those things, and I got it too. But I still want to live.
G: X Good, sorry, that was my bad. Life sucks sometimes. But I'll make it up to you. Susie, do we still have the Tendulkar template? We do? Good. X good, I cannot do much for you, but your son will be the next greatest cricket phenomenon. Also, I'm working double shifts trying to put smarter people on the ground who can find a cure for this damn thing, so hand in there.
X bad, sorry to disppoint you, but I put these evil things there to tempt you, and make you stronger. But you failed. You get an F. Better luck next time.
Religious Xs:
X0: I believe in you 100%.
G: Good for you. Keep it going.
X0: But X2 here seems to think that you're just a hokey pokey guy, so I'm going to deface him. I'm going to make sure he doesn't have a prayer on anything social, political, etc. [Haha].
G: What's your problem. You like me, he doesn't. Grow up already.
X0: But, here I am, doing the good deeds in your name, and he's insulting you everyday of the week!
G: Listen, I'm glad you're doing my work, but you need to chill out. He'll know me when he sees me. And you have to stop blaming the tsunami and Katrina on him. Next call please!
X1: God, I'm building a temple in your name.
G: Cool.
X1: But its only open to people who believe that you look like a dung beetle, and who smear this special powder on their nose this way on the right side. If you apply it on the left side, you're not invited.
G: Oh ...
X1: And they have to be fair skinned.
G: I see ...
X1: And they need to be born into a certain type of family.
G: Uh ... uh ...
X1: We will also be flogging anyone else in your name as an added incentive.
G: Listen, you piece of shit, you're going to lose everything you have! Hunger plague, pestilence, you name it, it will come to you! I try to be nice, and you spew garbage in my name! Screw you and your ilk.
Xa: God, there's this guy who seems to think that you're not the real deal ... that someone else is.
G: Did you kill any of his associates over this?
Xa: No, but I'm seriously thinking about it.
G: Did you know what happened to the last guy that did it? Susie, who's the ex - terrorist in hell wing D? Osama? He's burning in his own shit right now.
[Cut in ...]
Xb: God ... God ... I just bombed sixty kids that believed in the other guy. Are you happy? I did it for you! Are my virgins waiting for me in heaven?
G: What did you have for lunch?
Xb: Garlic pork with onion sauce.
G: Ohoho ... you're in for a world of pain.
[Cut in ...]
Xa: So ... um ... what should I do?
G: Be friends with the guy who hates me. You can both find middle ground, and agree to disagree civilly.
Politically Expedient X:
X: God, hi. Listen, I started a party in your name down here.
G: Okay ...
X: Yeah, yeah, I'm getting all these votes and people are fighting each other. Swamis and imams are starting up under my blessings. There's chaos everywhere, and the people are too stupid to realise what's happening. I just opened an account in Lichtenstein. My Hawala business is doing great, and I've already got 200 thousand investors for my Diwala Chit Fund Scheme. My son is going to be playing for India in the upcoming tour of Australia. So its all good.
G: How much money did you make?
X: 200 billion! And if I can just get this 5G thing going, I'm looking at a cool Trillion.
G: And how much power?
X: 5 terms in office so far. If only the that reform party guy will quietly take the Animal Husbandry ministry, then 3 more terms! Woohoo!
G: Multiply those two numbers. That's how many years I'm going to make you suffer in hell. Susie ... convert that figure to oil and firewood dear. Oh yeah ... enough fuel for 3 billion billion years. Burn, baby burn!
Reformist X:
X: Hey big G, I don't trust you. You're all lies, you know that?
G: Uh oh ... Here we go again [Sigh].
X: Yeah, you've got idiots calling themselves Hindus, Muslims, Christians etc. doing your dirty work for you.
G: What?
X: Guess what, superguy, I don't give a damn. I'm going to be fair to my fellow human beings no matter what. I'm not going to be judgmental. I'm not going to fight any wars for you. I'm not ...
G: Can I get a word in edgewise here?
X: Go ahead.
G: Ok, don't believe in me, fine. If you want to do something positive, bravo. If you want to end falsehoods about me, kudos. But get this, I'm not the problem. You don't have to question my existence to end all those evil things people do in my name. They are using me, just as you have been used by religious zealots all your life. And finally, whether you trust me or not, I'll still be here for you.
Real X:
X: God, I sincerely wish that the world was a better place, and that people respected one another. That there is universal peace, no suffering and happiness all around. We all have to live on this one planet anyway, and we don't have infinite resources to begin with. So, why waste what precious little we have? Help us all lead better lives and be kinder towards life.
G: Whoa ... Susie, are we on candid camera or something? Are we on a reality show? This caller ... is he for real?
Susie: Yes boss. He's the real deal. Actually, there are quite a few like him around. I think they call themselves human beings.
X: Well ... well ... Mr. X, you have echoed every sentiment I've ever had. Someone like you deserves to be known to the whole world. You don't have to be anonymous anymore. I'm going to give you a name. Gandhi.
So, friends, whatever your beliefs may be, we are all fundamentally the same. Not everyone is a Gandhi, but we can most certainly put our petty differences aside. Also, whether you believe in god or not, don't be a fair weather prayee. I think we can all afford to pray for the general good once in a while between asking for a longer life, new car, better business, more cash, and the new iPad 2.
